Saying "No" is aligned with personal boundaries. One of my favorite boss's often said, "No is a perfectly acceptable answer." We don't always have to act on everything someone asks us to do. We may not have time, don't feel comfortable with the request, or don't like or respect the person enough to act on a request from them. Our long term survival rests on knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no." Like so many things, experience is the best teacher on what answer to give. At any rate, we always have a 50-50 shot at getting it right.
I don’t know if I ever really learned the word no.
Not deep in my bones. Not in the way that feels safe and final and mine.
Now I’m living my life meeting things halfway, with maybe or maybe not. With a quiet kind of surrender. With go along to get along. With letting other people decide what I wanted, because that felt safer than choosing wrong.
I’m still learning what I want.
Still asking myself what I like, what I don’t like, what I’m curious about, what I’m done with. And some days, I don’t know the answers.
Because when your choices have been made for you for so long, by fear, by men, by trauma, by circumstance, it takes time to remember how to choose at all.
It’s not just about yes or no. It’s about me. Who is she? What does she want? What does she believe? What does she deserve?
I’m still meeting her.
Still rebuilding that connection, doing it gently, honestly, slowly.
It’s strange to be this age and still be asking, Who am I?
But maybe that’s the bravest thing I’ve ever done, not pretending I know, but letting myself find out if I’ll ever be able to say the word emphatically “no”.
Thank you for sharing this! It feels so brave and beautiful and true for so many of us even if we don’t want to admit it. I’m sending so much love as you finally meet yourself!!
A great article, which I’ve reposted because I think the message applies to SO much. It’s a question of having faith that the right thing will come along I guess…and seeing the waiting as a space you’re creating for it when it does!
Great advice! Something I need to get better at. I tend to jump on every freelance job that comes my way, but then regret it if I'm spending way too much time for a blog that is paying way below my hourly rate. Time to say no and make time for the things I feel passionate about!
I have been writing long explanations of why I don’t want to accept offers from book promoters for their “expert help.” It’s as if I am trying to educate them or change their strategy when they probably only want to make a quick buck off me.
Also a caveat - this does not apply to "favors" from any of my clients! I am always so happy to help you and really any writers. I was more thinking about the PTA, college essay, resume favors, English classwork help that I seem to get asked for on a daily basis...but I love love love helping writers with their fiction :)
I think this is great advice. You truly cannot please everybody. There will always be people who are just impossible to please, anyway. And like you say, your own happiness matters, too. I don't like saying "No" but I definitely will. If they're a nice person, they will not mind and move on. If they're a bully, do you really want to help a bully anyway? Awesome post, Kristen.
Saying "No" is aligned with personal boundaries. One of my favorite boss's often said, "No is a perfectly acceptable answer." We don't always have to act on everything someone asks us to do. We may not have time, don't feel comfortable with the request, or don't like or respect the person enough to act on a request from them. Our long term survival rests on knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no." Like so many things, experience is the best teacher on what answer to give. At any rate, we always have a 50-50 shot at getting it right.
All so great, thanks for sharing! I love that quote from your boss.
It's taken me decades to learn this...and I'm still not very good at it – but getting better. :-)
Thank you for the reminder.
I don’t know if I ever really learned the word no.
Not deep in my bones. Not in the way that feels safe and final and mine.
Now I’m living my life meeting things halfway, with maybe or maybe not. With a quiet kind of surrender. With go along to get along. With letting other people decide what I wanted, because that felt safer than choosing wrong.
I’m still learning what I want.
Still asking myself what I like, what I don’t like, what I’m curious about, what I’m done with. And some days, I don’t know the answers.
Because when your choices have been made for you for so long, by fear, by men, by trauma, by circumstance, it takes time to remember how to choose at all.
It’s not just about yes or no. It’s about me. Who is she? What does she want? What does she believe? What does she deserve?
I’m still meeting her.
Still rebuilding that connection, doing it gently, honestly, slowly.
It’s strange to be this age and still be asking, Who am I?
But maybe that’s the bravest thing I’ve ever done, not pretending I know, but letting myself find out if I’ll ever be able to say the word emphatically “no”.
Maybe, Rose
Thank you for sharing this! It feels so brave and beautiful and true for so many of us even if we don’t want to admit it. I’m sending so much love as you finally meet yourself!!
This is always good advice—thank you for sharing it. Maybe we know how to say no but don’t always apply it.
A great article, which I’ve reposted because I think the message applies to SO much. It’s a question of having faith that the right thing will come along I guess…and seeing the waiting as a space you’re creating for it when it does!
“Seeing the waiting as creating a space when it does” - I love this!!
Great advice! Something I need to get better at. I tend to jump on every freelance job that comes my way, but then regret it if I'm spending way too much time for a blog that is paying way below my hourly rate. Time to say no and make time for the things I feel passionate about!
Yes! Once you make space for the things you really love, who knows what will come to you!
Thanks for this.
I have been writing long explanations of why I don’t want to accept offers from book promoters for their “expert help.” It’s as if I am trying to educate them or change their strategy when they probably only want to make a quick buck off me.
Exactly! A "no" is probably enough. They'll move on to their next target!
Also a caveat - this does not apply to "favors" from any of my clients! I am always so happy to help you and really any writers. I was more thinking about the PTA, college essay, resume favors, English classwork help that I seem to get asked for on a daily basis...but I love love love helping writers with their fiction :)
I think this is great advice. You truly cannot please everybody. There will always be people who are just impossible to please, anyway. And like you say, your own happiness matters, too. I don't like saying "No" but I definitely will. If they're a nice person, they will not mind and move on. If they're a bully, do you really want to help a bully anyway? Awesome post, Kristen.